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Aries Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.

Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.

Gemini Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.

Cancer Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.

Leo You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.

Virgo This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.

Libra Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?

Scorpio Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.

Sagittarius Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.

Capricorn Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.

Aquarius This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.

Pisces Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.

Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.