The Joke Thread

[Mark]

No offense to the french..........

"What do you call a frenchman with 1500 girlfriends?"

"A shepard"

[bob]

[Lt. Staplic]

Much offense intended to the french..........

fixed

[Mark]

[Foxfyre]

Ok for a bit of a navy related humor.....

A wise old Master Chief once said...
A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.
You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone. "Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.
The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch

--------------------------------------------------------------

"The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"
A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

[Mark]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally
, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side..
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
motor sports


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Tsukiyumi]

I especially like these two:

1. Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

[Mark]

The best part is, that these were written by a woman

[Lt. Staplic]

your joking.

[bob]

the best of it is
he probably isn't

[Mark]

Bob wins a cookie!!!

[bob]

yay
we need a cookie eating emoticon cause this just dont seem right

[Graham Kennedy]

Ask and ye shall receive...

[Lazar]

That can double as our Eucharist emoticon.

[Tsukiyumi]

That can double as our Eucharist emoticon.