The Joke Thread

[Lazar]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

[bob]

i love that, i heard it once but i thought they were joking

[Mark]

But what if the lead breaks?

[Captain Seafort]

US solution: spend another decade, and hundreds of millions of dollars, developing unbreakable lead.

Russian solution: take a pencil sharpener and a bag with you.

[kostmayer]

Nah, in Soviet Russia, Pencil sharpens you.

[Tsukiyumi]

Nah, in Soviet Russia, Pencil sharpens you.

[Lazar]

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
In Soviet Russia,
poem writes YOU!!

[Mark]

US solution: spend another decade, and hundreds of millions of dollars, developing unbreakable lead.

Russian solution: take a pencil sharpener and a bag with you.

I love it. I should have seen that coming

[Lt. Staplic]

[mwhittington]

There once was a man named McGrass,
Whose testicles were made out of brass.
In stormy weather
They'd clang together
And sparks would fly out of his a$$!

[Mikey]

Some takes on economic systems:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The State nationalizes one and gives it to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at Bear Stearns, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You add melamine and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive..

[Lt. Staplic]

I've seen something similar to that.

[Graham Kennedy]

How do you make a cat go "woof!"

Soak it in gasoline and throw it on a fire.

[Tsukiyumi]

How do you make a cat go "woof!"

Soak it in gasoline and throw it on a fire.

[Lt. Staplic]