The Joke Thread

[Mark]

Ha, ha.........I'm sure he told the poor angel exactly where to stick it.

[Graham Kennedy]

Yesterday a psychic midget escaped from prison.

The headlines read "Small medium at large."

____

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Bush doesn't know the difference.

____

George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld are all on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?

The United States of America.

[stitch626]

I love the first one.

[Nickswitz]

I loved the last one.

[Lt. Staplic]

I liked all three.

[Mark]

Damn, the middle one is my favorite

[Mark]

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

[mwhittington]

I remember a saying from Yogi Berra: "Don't bite the hand that lays the golden egg."

[Mikey]

One of my favortie malaprops was uttered by baseball legend Ralph Kiner, after he had retired and was announcing TV coverage for the New York Mets. Before his battle with Bell's palsy, which affected his speech in its own right, Kiner was something of a drinker. Apparently a little lubricated during the pre-game coverage of a game on Father's Day one year, good ol' Ralph told the TV audience, "Today is Father's Day, so for all you fathers out there - happy birthday!"

[Mark]

[Lt. Staplic]

[Mark]

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing.
Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right."

Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."

[bob]

[Lt. Staplic]

I've heard the last one before, but the other two were good.

[Graham Kennedy]

Two nuns are sitting in a bath.

One says "Where's the soap?"

The other says "Yes it does, doesn't it!"