The Joke Thread

[Lt. Staplic]

to all

[Mark]

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Remember to tip your waitress and drive home safe.

Aloha.

[Tsukiyumi]

I'll drive home with my waitress, and tip safely.

[Mark]

She's fun too

[Mikey]

Wait, did you say "drive home with the waitress and be safe with the tip?"

Sorry, old habits and all.

[Mark]

[Tsukiyumi]

I'm always safe with the tip.

Ahem.

[Grundig]

That reminds me of Wedding Crashers. Vince Vaughn gets the best lines in that movie!

[Mark]

That movie rocked.

[Mikey]

My 4-year-old is wont (as most 4-year-olds are,) when she wants something, to call louudly, "Mom! Mom!"

Now, whenever she does that, we always respond, "Meat loaf!"

[Sionnach Glic]

One day up in heaven, Saint Peter got bored. So he decided to ask all the new arivals how they died.

The first man he meets is an unfit middle aged man.
"How did you die?" Peter asked. The man looks a bit ashamed, and then replies.

"Well, it started a while ago. I was convinced my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early one evening and went straight home as fast as I could. I ran into my apartment, which is on the 8th floor, and ran into the bedroom. My wife was in the bed, naked, with the sheets pulled up over her. It was really obvious she'd been having sex, so I started rushing around the house looking for the bastard. I eventualy find him, and he's hiding by hanging onto the edge of the balcony. So I get a hammer and start hitting his fingers with it. He fell off, but landed in a bush and survived. So I went into the kitchen, and pushed the fridge out onto the balcony and over the edge on top of him. Thing is, I got a heart attack doing that, and died."

"Oh, right." Peter said. "Well, crime of passion and all that." So the man wanders off about his own business.

A little while later, Peter comes across another new arival. This one was wearing a jogging suit, and looked furious. Peter asked him what happened to him.

"I was doing excercises out on the balcony of my apartment, which is on the 9th floor, when I tripped over a chair and fell over the railing. By a miracle I managed to grab onto the balcony below me, but then some lunatic rushes out onto the balcony screaming 'I found you, you bastard!' and he starts hitting my hands with a hammer. So I fell off the balcony, but was saved by a bush. Then the crazy fucker pushes a fridge over the balcony on top of me, and I died."

"Oh...right." Peter says, trying not to laugh. "Well, you're in a better place now, and all that." So after a while the man goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Peter sees another new guy. This one was naked, and looked quite embarresed.
"So what happened to you?" Peter asked. The man blushes a bit.

"Well, I was hiding in my girlfriend's fridge....."

[Mark]

Hey, I told that same one a few pages ago.

[Sionnach Glic]

You did? I actualy heard that one from a friend a couple days ago.

[Mark]

Yep.............still a funny one though 8)

[Grundig]

For those of us in the Fast Food Nation:

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.