The Joke Thread

[Mark]

That's beyond cruel!!!

[Nickswitz]

[colmquinn]

heard this recently and thought it would suit

Two atoms are sitting in a bar, one atom says to the other
"damn I think I've lost an electron",
"are you sure" asked his buddy
"Yeah, I'm positive"

[Mark]

[Captain Seafort]

[Lazar]

The World's Shortest Pessimistic Poem:

Hope?
Nope.

[Mark]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[Lt. Staplic]

[Graham Kennedy]

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman in a playground


Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[Tsukiyumi]

...Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Gah!

[Mikey]

Going old-school are we, GK?

OK: A man comes home early to find his wife in bed with another man. The outraged husband screams, "What the hell are you doing?"

The wife turns to her lover and says, "See? I told you he was stupid."

[Tsukiyumi]

Going old-school are we, GK?

OK: A man comes home early to find his wife in bed with another man. The outraged husband screams, "What the hell are you doing?"

The wife turns to her lover and says, "See? I told you he was stupid."

[Mark]

A man discovers his wife is having an affair, and decides he's going to have to her and her lover killed. He hires a hitman, who spends a few days scoping out the situation, finds out where the other man lives and finds a place in the building across the street from where to shoot. The man tells the hitman that he wants to be there when the deed is done and the hitman agrees. The night finally arrives and both the man and the hitman take position in the building across the street from the lover's apartment. As the hitman attaches the scope to his rifle he asks the man, "Any requests on how I do this?" The man thinks about it and says, "Yeah. First shoot that basterd right in that prick of his that he's been sticking in my wife. Then, shoot her threw her lying mouth." As the hitman zooms in with the scope, he responds, "Good. I can give you a two for one shot right now."

[Tsukiyumi]

A man discovers his wife is having an affair, and decides he's going to have to her and her lover killed. He hires a hitman, who spends a few days scoping out the situation, finds out where the other man lives and finds a place in the building across the street from where to shoot. The man tells the hitman that he wants to be there when the deed is done and the hitman agrees. The night finally arrives and both the man and the hitman take position in the building across the street from the lover's apartment. As the hitman attaches the scope to his rifle he asks the man, "Any requests on how I do this?" The man thinks about it and says, "Yeah. First shoot that basterd right in that prick of his that he's been sticking in my wife. Then, shoot her threw her lying mouth." As the hitman zooms in with the scope, he responds, "Good. I can give you a two for one shot right now."

I've heard that one before, but it's still funny.

[Mark]

Crap. Someone is biting my material. Just kidding. I like that one though.