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Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:43 am
by mwhittington
And a blondes idea of safe sex?...
Padded dashboards!

What's a blondes mating call?...
"Oh my god, I'm sooo drunk!"

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:48 am
by Mark
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 3:53 am
by mwhittington
:laughroll: Those are great!

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First!

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:40 pm
by Lt. Staplic
:lol:

I haven't even heard some of these, and I'm the blonde joke king round here.

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:33 pm
by Mikey
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:34 pm
by Mark
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:34 pm
by Mark
Reasons to stay at work all night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:36 pm
by Mark
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:39 pm
by Tsukiyumi
Mark wrote:10. Elevator surfing!
:lol:

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:49 am
by Mark
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:53 am
by Mark
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:55 am
by Tsukiyumi
Mark wrote:A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
:doh: :lol:

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:58 am
by Mark
By the way, I can't take credit for MOST of these jokes. A friend of mine was e-mailing them to me, and I just found out that HE was getting them straight from www.ahajokes.com

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:11 am
by Lt. Staplic
Mark wrote:A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
to borrow your line from the ENT thread:
Your not funny. :|

:bangwall:

Re: The Joke Thread

Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:30 am
by Mark
You should make that your signature :mrgreen: