The Joke Thread

[IanKennedy]

OMG, that's bad.

[Nutso]

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…
“School” I tell them.

A guy was walking through the Olympic village when he spots an athlete carrying a very long stick on his shoulder. He goes up to him and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter"?
The athlete replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter"?

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and bang they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." Bang. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…
“School” I tell them.

A guy was walking through the Olympic village when he spots an athlete carrying a very long stick on his shoulder. He goes up to him and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter"?
The athlete replies, "No, I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter"?

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, "That's 15 love."

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and bang they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." Bang. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".

Thank you. I needed those laughs.

[Coalition]

I bought an inflatable jack-o-lantern for Halloween, but it had a hole in it. Fortunately I had a pumpkin patch.


A person the other day said they refuse to eat scalloped potatoes because they don't like shellfish

[Nutso]

I bought an inflatable jack-o-lantern for Halloween, but it had a hole in it. Fortunately I had a pumpkin patch.


A person the other day said they refuse to eat scalloped potatoes because they don't like shellfish

That first one, *chef's kiss*

[Nutso]

What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?
Electricity.

[IanKennedy]

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?
Electricity.

Ooh, gonna need some ice for that one!

[T'Pau]

A female marine biologist is leaving a large public aquarium, with a bulge under her coat.
Security asks: "How many months along are you?"
*the octopus shoves the gun harder into her ribcage*
She replies: "Umm..5 months"

[Nutso]

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand by using sheep's lower intestine.
Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

[Coalition]

Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie

[Nutso]

Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie

Love them!

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Friend of mine lost a boxing match against a pirate. Turns out the pirate had a mean right hook.

***

Friend of mine just bought a boat. When I asked him why, he said "there was a sail"

***

PETA once got mad at a person for dressing up as a Christmas tree. They complained that he was wearing fir.

***

A husband and wife were fighting about a kitchen remodel. They kept coming up with counter arguments.

***

"One two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock; five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock" - a geologist's daily schedule

***

In Klingon cinema, everyone was harmed in the making of the movie

Thank you. I needed those laughs.

[mwhittington]

You know why Barbie and Ken never had kids?

Ken always comes in a different box.

[IanKennedy]

The greatest joke on earth and it goes on an on and on...




... "Donald Trump"