The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

Well done, but too right to be entirely funny.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Well done, but too right to be entirely funny.

Pretty much this.

[Nutso]

Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Donald Trump walks into a bar
and promptly lowers it

My mother used to tuck me in every night
She always wanted a girl

[Nutso]

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

[mwhittington]

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

I laughed at this more than I should have.

[IanKennedy]

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

A joke that doesn't really work in the UK. We would call it a draw, which doesn't fit

[Mikey]

A blind man walks into a bar.

And a table.

And a chair.


What? I never claimed to be a nice person.

[Captain Seafort]

A joke that doesn't really work in the UK. We would call it a draw, which doesn't fit

Tut, tut, Ian. Any Englishman should know that a draw and a tie are different things - read the laws of cricket.

[Mikey]

Many people think French fries originated in France, but in fact they were first cooked in Greece.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

Many people think French fries originated in France, but in fact they were first cooked in Greece.

[Bryan Moore]

Many people think French fries originated in France, but in fact they were first cooked in Greece.

Started to Google this... and then it hit me...

[mwhittington]

Many people think French fries originated in France, but in fact they were first cooked in Greece.

For the win!

[Angharrad]

Many people think French fries originated in France, but in fact they were first cooked in Greece.

I had to read this ..... more than once .....

[Nutso]

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds.

----
A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire,
The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him.

The wife now even crazier insists on going in. "I have been his wife for 20 years, I know every inch of him. I definitely can tell him apart." so the firemen finally decide to let her in.

She goes to the first bag, opens its, reaches with her hand all the way down to his private area... "hmmm, that's not him". She then goes to the next bag repeats the same thing, "hmmmmm, that's not him either".

She opens the third bag, again reaches all the way down to the guys privates. but this time there is a long pause. "mmmmm This guy is not even from this building"

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds.

----
A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire,
The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him.

The wife now even crazier insists on going in. "I have been his wife for 20 years, I know every inch of him. I definitely can tell him apart." so the firemen finally decide to let her in.

She goes to the first bag, opens its, reaches with her hand all the way down to his private area... "hmmm, that's not him". She then goes to the next bag repeats the same thing, "hmmmmm, that's not him either".

She opens the third bag, again reaches all the way down to the guys privates. but this time there is a long pause. "mmmmm This guy is not even from this building"

Ooh.