The Joke Thread

[Tsukiyumi]

also:

[Mikey]

Reverend Smith is stumped for a sermon idea one Saturday evening, and finally decides to write about water-skiing. His wife tells him what a horrible idea it is, and says, "Let me know how badly it goes - I'm off to help the Widow Jones until her daughter gets in to town tomorrow. I'll meet you after church."

Mrs. Smith leaves and the reverend continues to work. Finally he realizes his wife was right, and writes a sermon about sex - the sanctity of it in a relationship, the place it has in a marriage, everything. He goes to church the next morning and delivers his sermon with an intensity that has the whole congregation buzzing. On her way over to the church, Mrs. Smith encounters some of the congregation on their way out who tell her how inspiring and impassioned the sermon was.

"Really?" Mrs. Smith asks, surprised. "He's only done it twice, and the first time, he fell off."

[Griffin]

[Lighthawk]

The Chem Test

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare an couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?

[Lighthawk]

From the website Not Always Right, which is a collection of stories about the worst, dumbest, and just most bizarre customers.

All Fingers And Thumbs (Well, Mostly Thumbs)
Supermarket | Edinburgh, UK |

(While working at a large chain supermarket, a regular named Joe comes in acting strangely.)

Me: “Hey Joe, you’re not looking well, mate. Something up?”

Joe: “Yeah, I’m not too good. I had an accident at home and I need to go to the hospital. Just got the wife to stop here first for a few things.

Me: “Oh, sorry, man. Hope everything’s okay.”

Joe: “Im sure I’ll be fine. Can I have a bottle of [vodka], please?”

Me: “Sure thing. £7.99, please.”

(Joe then reaches for his wallet. Upon pulling it out, he also drops a freshly severed thumb onto my till, covering everything in blood. I then notice his hand is taped inside a sandwich bag, which, by now, is full of blood.)

Me: “Holy s***!

Joe: “Yeah, that’ll teach the b**** for making me cook dinner!”

[Lighthawk]

Figured this belonged here more than the news section

SAN FRANCISCO -- Kellogg Co. is asking a group working to defend Mayan culture to reconsider its logo, saying consumers can confuse it with Toucan Sam, the mascot of its Froot Loops cereal.

An attorney for the world's largest cereal maker has sent a letter to the nonprofit Maya Archaeology Initiative saying Kellogg opposes the group's bid to trademark its logo. The attorney suggests a settlement that would limit the group's use of the image.

The Maya Archaeology Initiative, based in San Ramon, says there is little similarity. It says its logo is based upon a realistic toucan native to Mesoamerica, while Toucan Sam is a cartoon character with the coloring of Froot Loops.

The organization says that it hopes can resolve the matter with Kellogg, which is based in Battle Creek, Mich.

The logo at the centre of the dispute is below

Source

[Mikey]

Well, at least now I understand why my requests for free boxes of Froot Loops remain unanswered by the Maya Archaeology Initiative.

[Mikey]

An elementary teacher is wrapping up a school day by handing Lifesaver candies out to her students and seeing if they can correlate the colors with the flavors: red = cherry, etc. Finally, she hands out pale amber ones to the kids - honey flavor - and all the students are stumped. Finally, she gives them a hint by saying, "The flavor is the same word as a nickname your mom might use for your dad."

Little jenny retches, violently spits out the candy, and shouts, "OMG - they're assholes!"

[Tsukiyumi]

[alexmann]

Lol!

[Griffin]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[Tsukiyumi]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

http://instantrimshot.com/

[Mikey]

I rather think that calls for this.

[Lighthawk]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

[Mikey]

And four rights make a square.