The Joke Thread

[stitch626]

Honestly, do you guys make these up, or find them in a book?

[Graham Kennedy]

I saw a doc on TV once say he saw a large woman's notes after she had been for a gynecological exam. The guy had written "Unable to complete exam due to patient's size. Recommend trying again with a miner's lamp and a canary."

[Lt. Staplic]

word of mouth for me

loved them...I'll have to show my dad (who is a doctor) that medical notes one.

[Mikey]

I feel bad about laughing at that last one - but laugh I did.

[Lazar]

Fill in the blank: "Sir Edmund Hillary was neither straight __________."

[Aaron]

There are two muffins in an oven. the first muffin says to the other muffin "god dam its hot in here" and the other muffin said "holy shit its a talking muffin."

[IanKennedy]

Reminds me of the mad cow one:

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?", the other says "Bugger me a talking cow!".

[Mikey]

Two peanuts were walking in a bad part of town. One was a salted.

*************************************************************

A blonde's car stalls, so she takes it to a mechanic. After a few minutes, he gets it working perfectly. "What's the story?" she asks.

"Just crap in the carburetor," says the mechanic.

"OK," the blonde answers. "How often?"

[Mark]

Ouch. The peanut one was almost painful.

[Lazar]

Two peanuts were walking in a bad part of town. One was a salted.

That's from Monty Python's "Funniest Joke in the World" sketch, isn't it?

[Mikey]

Yes, part of the British attack.

I actually like the attempted German response:

"My dog has no nose."

"Then how does he smell?"

"Awful!"

[Lazar]

Yes, part of the British attack.

No, actually both of those were German: "Zwei peanuts were walking down der Straße..." The British joke was only heard in its nonsensical German translation: "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? / Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput."

[Lt. Staplic]

[Mikey]

You are right. I stand corrected. IIRC, the British joke could only be seen one word per person to avoid injury.

[Mark]

Just got this from the Finance Manager here at work!!!


The husband store
> >
> > A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
> > woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
> > is a description of how the store operates:
> >
> > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
> > of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
> > may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
> > the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
> >
> > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
> > floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
> >
> > She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
> > reads:
> >
> > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> >
> > 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> >
> > So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
> > Looking.
> >
> > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> >
> >
> > She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
> > and Help With Housework.
> >
> > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> >
> > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> >
> > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
> > with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
> >
> > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
> > sign reads:
> >
> >
> > Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
> > this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
> > women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
> > Store.
> >
> > PLEASE NOTE:
> > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
> > just across the street.
> >
> > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> > The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
> >
> > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited