The Joke Thread

[Lt. Staplic]

[Lazar]

this is the funniest joke ever

No it's not.

[bob]

this is the funniest joke ever

No it's not.

that was the joke
my brother told me

the second one-
they have had 5 birthdays (5 kids)
then they get drunk

[Mark]

Yeah.................ok


Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
_________________________________________

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
__________________________________________

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Lt. Staplic]

[Foxfyre]

Actual Medical chart notes......

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

25 Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

now this makes me rethink going to the doc....

[Mikey]

That must have been one hell of a rectal exam if they reached the patient's thyroid!

[Mark]

8. The patient refused autopsy.

I would hope so!

[Tsukiyumi]

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

This one is my favorite.

[Nickswitz]

16. The skin was moist and dry.

This was my favorite, they must have had a lot of issues. lol

[kostmayer]

16. The skin was moist and dry.

This was my favorite, they must have had a lot of issues. lol

And tissues.

[Foxfyre]

23. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

That is my favorite

[Mikey]

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up, taps on her window, and asks to see her license.

"Jeez, will you guys make up your mind!" she exclaims. "Yesterday, you take it away, and now you want to see it!"

*************************************

A redhead goes into a doctor's office, complaining of intense pain all over her body. "Show me," the doctor says. She proceeds to poke her own shoulder and yelps in pain. She pokes her stomach, and screams. She pokes her knee and shrieks. This goes on with various body parts until the doc stops her and asks, "Is your natural hair color blonde?"

"Yes, why?" she says, puzzled.

The doctor replies, "Your finger is broken."

[Nickswitz]

The second one was great.

[Mikey]

Two blondes in Oklahoma are talking. One askes the other, "What do you think is further away - the moon, or Florida?"

The second one says, "Duh! Don't be stupid! You can't see Florida from here, right?"