The Joke Thread

[Mark]

Heh........how do you think I feel

[Lt. Staplic]

well, based on the booze and strippers I keep hearing about, I'd say mildly aroused

[Tsukiyumi]

Nice.

And, I have to admit, I like seeing my name in green. It really accentuates my eyes.

[Lt. Staplic]

[Lt. Staplic]

I know it's long, but worth the read:



Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler


December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
The window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
From heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
Romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
Covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
Sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
The whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
Ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
Up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
To shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
Disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
Snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
Snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
Sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
The life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
Buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling,
But I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.


December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
Extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
A wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.


December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
The driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
Cruel.


December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
Anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
Pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
Stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
Her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
The damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
Day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
They're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
Lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
Buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
And bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
Inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
Had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
Dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
Hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
The winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
Asshole is lying.


December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
This morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
Says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
The shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
Ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
Beat him to deat h with my broken shovel. I know he
Hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
Been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her i nto the microwave.


December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28


Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!


December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.


December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.


January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Mikey]

[mwhittington]

A newlywed couple are on their honeymoon in bed. The husband turns to his new bride and says, "honey, I'm not complaining, but why is it after sex, you rub my penis for almost an hour?" "I don't know, I guess I just still miss mine..."

[Lazar]

[Tsukiyumi]

A newlywed couple are on their honeymoon in bed. The husband turns to his new bride and says, "honey, I'm not complaining, but why is it after sex, you rub my penis for almost an hour?" "I don't know, I guess I just still miss mine..."

Man, that's awful.

[mwhittington]

Thank you, thank you!

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits the windshield?


Its butt!

[Lt. Staplic]

those are really really bad...when I get home from school I've got another one I can put up like the first one.

in the mean time:

a man asked his wife why it is women never blink during foreplay, she replies that they don't have that much time.

[Reliant121]

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits the windshield?


Its butt!

ULTIMATE LOL!

[Graham Kennedy]

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

**********

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

**********

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[Lt. Staplic]

(I showed the last one to my parents)

k, on his son's wedding day, the father pulls his son aside and tells him, "Tonight, here's what you have to do...take off your pants, hand them to your wife and tell her to put them on. She'll say that they don't fit or something to that effec. You then say 'that's right, you remember that I were the pant in this relationship."

The son thinks that's a great idea so that night he takes off his pants gives them to his new bride and tells her to put them on. She replies that their to big, and he responds as directed.

His wife thinks a moment then takes off her pants and gives them to him and tells him to put them on. He responds "I can't get into these!" and she replies, "That's right and if your attitude doesn't change you never will!"

[Graham Kennedy]

Teenage boy is late home one day. His dad says "Where have you been son?"

"Having sex for the first time," the kid says bluntly.

The dad gets all nostalgic, remembering his own first time and walks off with a smile.

Next day, the kid is back home right on time.

"Not having sex again tonight son?" His dad says.

"No way," says the teen. "My arse still hurts from yesterday!"