The Joke Thread

[Mark]

Q: What's yellow, black, yellow, black, yellow, black?
A: A naked blond doing cartwheels.

A blond walks into the doctors office and says;

"Doctor, I need bigger birth control pills!"

The Doctor replies;

"Don't you mean stonger pills?"

The blond shakes her head and says;

"No. BIGGER! Every time I stick one of these other ones in, it slides right back out!"

[Sonic Glitch]

As I walked up Main Street today talking to business owners, I realized just how bad the economy is.

The carpenters are getting nailed.
The roofers are running for cover.
The flower shop says sales have shriveled up and the undertaker says things are dying.
The vacuum salesman says business sucks.
In fact, the only people not crying the blues right now are the demolition boys - they say business is booming.

----------------

[Sonic Glitch]

Dear Red States:

We're leaving. We will form our own country and we're taking all the
other Blue States with us. If you aren't aware, the Blue States
include California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. Even Florida and Ohio are
seriously considering joining us -- we've given them until November
4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to both
newly-formed nations, and we know we'd be happier and we sincerely
think you will be happier after this split, too. Since we're leaving
all the middle states behind, we're giving our nation a new name;
United America, or simply the UA.

To briefly summarize: You Red Staters get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty while you can keep Dollywood. You get Ted
Nugent; we're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get
WorldCom; we get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss, and we get
Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You can have Alabama. That leaves us with two-thirds of all tax
revenue, so now you have to pay your fair share -- for a change.

Since the collective divorce rate in the Blue States is 22 percent
lower than in the Christian Coalition's Red States, we will end up
with a bunch of happy families, while you are stuck with a bunch of
single moms and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers
in the former USA. Oh, and don't forget that the UA will be both
pro-choice and anti-war, so we're going to demand that all our
citizens return from Iraq immediately. If you Red Staters need people
to bomb Iraq, ask your evangelicals for help with this. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
none of you seem to care if pictures of your dead children's caskets
coming home are suppressed. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope
that the WMDs turn up, really, we do, but we're not willing to waste
our resources and our future in Bush's Quagmire any longer. We'd
rather invest in taking care of sick people and educating our
children.

As a result of this split, the Blue States will control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the
high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and California condors, all the Ivy League and
Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. Unfortunately
for you, Red States, you will have to deal with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, as well as
hate-mongers, Rush Limbaugh, and Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia, while we get to keep Hollywood and Yosemite.

As if that isn't bad enough, 38 percent of the people living in the
Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62
percent believe life is sacred unless you're killing innocent
civilians in an illegal war, giving out the death penalty to Black
American men or protecting your already too permissive gun laws; 44
percent of you say that evolution is not true; 53 percent of you
believe that Saddam was involved in 9-11 and 61 percent of you
wackaloon Reddies believe you have higher morals then we Blueies,
despite loads of evidence to the contrary.

Finally, we're taking the good booze, too. You can have that ditch
water tequila they bottle in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

---Source: An email

[Mikey]

Not bad.

[Mark]

Damn

[Sonic Glitch]

Damn

[Mark]

That was alot to take in

[Tsukiyumi]

For the record, Texas was a blue state until the early '90s; I think we may just head that direction again this year.

So, make room for the Republic of Texas!

[Grundig]

We've got plenty of room over here in the Funvee.

[Sionnach Glic]

It's at times like this when I wonder whether or not you guys should have just let the CSA seceede.

[Grundig]

And lose all those resources? No way!

[Tsukiyumi]

We've got plenty of room over here in the Funvee.

Yeah, I'm sick of riding in the Humdrumvee.

[Sionnach Glic]

And lose all those resources? No way!

Yeah, but you wouldn't have to put up with all the rednecks, trailer trash and fundies making you look bad.

[Mikey]

We're like the UFP; we couldn't let anyone leave paradise!

[Mark]

And nobody better try, or else we call Bryon and Deepcrush!